I think an official introduction is in order...

This is Stephen.

(When he first came to live with us)
 




(6 months)

 

(last summer)

(last month)

(I have so many photos to share. So I limited myself to just 1-2 for every 6 months of his sweet little life) 

 

We welcomed Stephen into our lives 2 years ago, last July. The Adoption took about 8-10 months to finalize. So, It's been official for a while. I've been meaning to write about it but when there's a new baby to hold, and love and take care of, things tend to fall along the wayside for awhile.(Hence my blog hiatus)  
For me, after a new baby comes, It always feels like someone reached into our lives, shook things up a bit, and then put us back down. Then we seem to muddle through life until everything falls back into place. Only, after we're all settled, another person fits into it all. Thinking of it this way makes me feel better when my house actually looks like someone picked it up and shook it. I just tell myself I'm still trying to fit and figure out where everything goes still. That'll be the case here again in a couple weeks!

Stephen's story is simple, yet private. It's not about me, it's about him, and somehow not my story to tell. But, there's two important details I will share. First, Stephen was my Nephew at birth. My brother is his birth father. Second, in my opinion, Stephen's adoption is the most unselfish thing my brother has ever done. Oh, and there's a third...  I'm so very happy he's a part of our lives. Adoption is not for the feint of heart. The whole experience has given me a greater appreciation for adoptive families and their struggles.

So here are a few things you might want to know about Stephen:

He likes to snuggle.

He's happy to be in the middle of whatever you're doing. Like a cat, he'll come and sit right in the middle of your business.

Instead of kisses he nuzzles your face with his in affection.

He adores his older siblings and follows them everywhere he can.

His favorite food is fruit! any kind

His sly smile is charming and it's almost as though he knows it! He uses it like a master. The ladies behind us at church never stand a chance.

He absolutely hates the automatic car wash(screams with terror every time we've done it)

His blond hair gets compliments all the time.

He's a Momma's boy and follows me everywhere. My little shadow.

He loves bath time, always has.

*This list could never end so I'll save it for another day*

The transition to four children was easier than I imagined it would be.  My older children took him in like I expected. Happily.  Never second guessing; curiosity without resentment. Here's your new brother...   "Ok mom, I love him." --Russell

I had my moments of doubt (honesty is best right?)
Would I love him like my own?
Could I be the mother he needs?

The answers are yes, though it took time for me to find them.
I didn't have to recover from child birth & pregnancy(awesome!) but I still had that glazed over new mother look from lack of sleep. I was training for my marathon and considered stopping once or twice(the fatigue was terrible) but my internal struggle was stronger and I pushed through. No regrets. Every day can be an uphill climb with 4 young children. There's so much give.

So. much. give.

I have great days where everyone is happy and hardly anyone yells at me:) but the bad days do tend to come at a more regular rate. MY definition of bad is more like stressful... crying, whining, messes, messes, messes, yelling etc.  but a day in my life would make a good blog post for another day.

Stephen was an Angel baby(still is mostly, despite being a 2 year old) The kind that only cry when they're hungry... kind of. His laid back, calm nature was immediately lovable and that made it so easy to fall in love with him.

Yes, I love him like my own. 
Yes, I try everyday to be the best mom I can be. Poor thing is stuck with me. 

But I promise Stephen, I'll do my best. 

You're one of my favorite people. We are so lucky to have you. We love you.

(on his blessing day)

Read more...

My Marathon

I'm pretty sure it was mile 23. Maybe 24.

Either way, I almost cried.

The road to my Marathon wasn't exactly easy. And Yes, just so you know, it was MY marathon. It may have been called The St. George Marathon, but really it was mine.

The decision to run the marathon began as a tiny seed in the recesses of my mind. Like a little sprout of hope, I fed and nurtured it until it took strong roots. At the time, I was grasping desperately for something to work for. Something  that would help me erase the doubt in myself that was also growing after my first lost pregnancy.  I would have never guessed that my lost expectations would eat away at my heart so much. I bet it could have eaten me up if I'd nurtured that instead of my new goal.
But that's life, it'll get you down.
So, it was time for something that would help me prove to myself I was strong, capable and could endure hardships-- a Marathon.

Perfect(because I honestly couldn't think of something more scary to do)

Just registering for the lottery to the race was heart thumping, and I didn't even know if our group would get chosen! Weeks later, when I found out we'd made the cut I acted excited, but what I felt was more unsure than ever. Great Jessica, look what you've gone and gotten yourself into.

Honestly, it was the best idea ever.

I read a few books, researched proper nutrition and asked other runners to give me insight on how I should accomplish my goal. It's pretty simple really.

You run.

Sometimes you run fast.
Sometimes you run slow.
Sometimes you run far.
sometimes you run hills (I do that a lot out here on the coast)
Sometimes you run grumpy.
sometimes you run happy.
You just have to keep running. 
and running.

I didn't miss a single run that summer. I never skimped a mile on a long run and I never once let myself think I couldn't do it.(Thought maybe I shouldn't do it but never couldn't) 
I lost 20 pounds.(Believe it or not) and then I gained back 5, (all muscle I hope). I was also doing strength training and for the first time in my life, I felt strong. I can do hard things.

I put in the work.
I'm positive that's why race day was AWESOME.
I'd followed the plan, I rested when I should and did things exactly as planned during the race. (proper hydration, fueling, etc) I kept telling myself, run steady, keep the pace, save your energy. I kept waiting for that WALL that everyone told me about. The Wall that lingers somewhere between mile 18 and 24 . I was bound to hit it, but I never did.  In fact, it was the realization that I wasn't going to hit it that almost brought me to tears.

(my memory)
At the end of the race the route was back in the city. People lined the streets, cheering for the runners. Cheering for me.  It was at about mile 24 that It suddenly hit me(and I saw)... I was going to do this! I was going to run a marathon. But the best part was, I felt GREAT! In fact, knowing I was so close I thought, hey, why not pick up the pace a bit. (Really) I felt like I was flying. I was passing people like crazy the last mile and a half.  I ran with blurry vision the last mile or so as tears pooled in my eyes. I can do hard things.

I ran a marathon.(In my goal time no less)



 

 

Last Saturday, I sat waiting to hear from my sisters about their race. They were running the St. George Marathon again and I was so green with envy! The rolling and kicking from within my belly was a solid confirmation to me that it was ok that I sat this one out, but I was so jealous they were accomplishing such amazing goals. They did incredible. Both of them achieved a PR(Personal Record) and it sounded like it was a rousing success. Maybe someday in the future I'll convince Ryan that I need to run another full marathon. It's a sacrifice for him as well, since it takes me away on Saturday mornings for long runs. I always start early but when you're running for 2- 3 hours it's hard to start early enough to be back before the kids wake up. His support means the world to me and he has always encouraged me to make and achieve my goals. I promised no Full marathons for a few years, but I see at least one half marathon in the schedule next spring and hopefully Circle the Bay (30K) in August.

I can't even begin to describe how excited I am to run again.

 

Just. Can't. Wait.

 

~Jessica  

Read more...

Perhaps it's time

It's been a year since I've written anything. Ok, more like 2 years, but it feels like so short a time that if I look at all the things that have happened, I kind of can't believe it. It's so hard to start writing on the blog again. It's hard to decide what to write about. Should I write about things that have happened or just start fresh? I suppose it doesn't matter, but that makes deciding that much harder. 

I've said before that I think we all have moments in time that are frozen in our memories. Moments where time suddenly stalls and things become clear, and strikingly beautiful.  These moments are stored in my brain in HD and most of them I can imagine as clearly as if they happened yesterday.  I've taken to calling them "frozen moments" and I've mentioned them before a few times.

For me, most of these moments tend to be brief, joyful realizations of the beauty around me. It's almost as though God has set a looking glass down before my eyes, allowing me to feel as well as see his love in my life. It's humbling.

I mention this because most of these past 2 years, is cataloged into moments in my memory.
Frozen moments. So many, it's best I just write about a few.

Maybe just the ones that took me by surprise.

----- 

(MYMEMORY)

I lean back onto the examination chair; that little leaf being pulled out at the foot so my feet won't have to dangle off the end. The paper liner crinkles underneath me as I watched the doctor pull the ultrasound machine into the room. I'm excited to finally be in that room, to have made it that long, to have survived the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. The nausea is debilitating, I can feel the reflux in my throat and I suppress the desire to vomit, again.

Lift shirt, cold gel, ultrasound wand, stare at image on the screen... Wait.

Silence.

Deep breath, notice the change in my doctors demeanor... Hold that breath.

Silence.

Cold fear spreads slowly over me.

Silence

I stare desperately at the image on the little screen.

Silence

My doctor turns, looks me straight in the eyes and softly says, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."

Disbelief overwhelms me. My mind spins wildly as it tries to piece together what was happening.
 My doctor starts to talk again but I can barely hear him over the pounding of my heart.
My own heart. It mocks me with its vitality.
I feel Ryan's gentle touch on my shoulder; his way of telling me he's there.

And then I see.(through that looking glass)
I see.
 
The moisture in the eyes of the doctor's assistant.
The slump in the doctors shoulders as he tries to help.
The slight tremor in Ryan's voice, only I can detect.

My heartbreak is undeniable and so overwhelming  in that moment.

And then it passes and we move forward.

I carried my grief with me for a little while. At the time, I would never have thought I'd actually be able to write about it or share my experience with others. It just hurt. But time has given me a new perspective and It's clear my sadness, though very real and oppressing for me, was small in comparison to the sadness this world can make us feel. I am so blessed. God helps me see that and has continued to buoy me up during times of heart ache. This happened 2 years ago, and then again last year.  The heartache during this time had left me feeling pitifully hollow, but the love from my family and the desire I have to understand gods will has filled those hollows with enough hope to journey onward... with thanks and gratitude filling in the rest of the gaps.

He gives, I take. He gives, I take. And sometimes I manage to see what I've been given. He lets me feel it.

Extreme anxiety and stress have been my constant companions these last 9 months. It seems that no matter how fervent my prayers are, I can't manage to unsheathe myself of doubt and worry. It's something I've been working on, and I've prayed constantly for strength and peace.  I expect that striving to understand God's will over my own will, will be a life long journey.

With every week that passes, I send my gratitude heavenward. What a blessing and a privilege to carry this baby with me. I may not be able to shake the worry from my mind but her constant presence has already filled my heart with so much love.


~Jessica

 

Read more...

Important

I just went walking.

It's beautiful out. It took about 20 minutes for me to finally stop frowning though.

Ornery morning...and for no good reason.

Except that I'm rather large at 35 weeks 5 days pregnant, and that's truly nothing to be ornery about. I cry every time I realize how blessed I am.

I also cry when I can't move faster than 3 miles per hour.
or sleep more than 3 hours at a time.
or take the stairs 2 at a time.
or run.
or pick things up off the floor without grunting.
or tie my tennis shoes straight.
or....

well now I'm complaining, and emotional. I'm so pregnant.

That's not why I'm here, writing on my blog though. I've spent months, even years avoiding this blog. I had no desire to share anything. Even when I thought I did, I didn't make the time to do it. So, in other words, I didn't REALLY want to because, let's face it.... We make time for what we really desire and value or deem important.

-----------------------------
I just went walking.

It's such a beautiful day.

I can't believe this shadow profile is mine.

I'm grateful.
and that's important.

Be back soon,
Jessica

Read more...